Poker, Philosophy, Music, and Life

Anyone who's seen Leon--The Professional (great movie!) probably remembers the scene at the end of the movie with Matilda (Natalie Portman) at Leon's grave with the camera panning skyward while this song is playing... I've been reminded of it because of all the poker that is being shown on TV right now with the World Series of Poker, and just because I am a Sting/Police fan. I can even kind of play it on guitar (hey, I'm a bass player!) Here is the link to an acoustic version of the song and the lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=037uSAIahho&feature=related

Shape of My Heart
He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn't play for the money he wins
He doesn't play for respect
He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
He may play the jack of diamonds
He may lay the queen of spades
He may conceal a king in his hand
While the memory of it fades
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape, the shape of my heart
And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldierI know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape, that's not the shape of my heart

The song is a brilliant metaphor, paired with a great guitar melody. I can relate--on the surface as someone who likes to play cards, but beyond that as someone who is introspective and hard to read who doesn't express their emotions easily. The man wants to let down his mask, and reveal himself, but is afraid to. How sad is it to tell someone that you love them and they would first think that something is wrong? Also, he condemns "those that curse their luck in too many places, and those who fear are lost". He is trying to make sense of life through the geometry of chance of a card game. Is it luck, or is there some law that governs how the cards are dealt? How life unfolds... Does the gambler in the song ever find the answer? You can tell from the video of Sting singing that he can really relate to his lyrics. Most songs on the radio today are all about the hook that they want to get stuck in your head. Yeah its catchy, but its like reality TV, most is just filler. Here today gone tomorrow. Sometimes you have to spend the time to study music, lyrics, or any other piece of art, to really appreciate it. Good music will pass the test of time.

Anyway, back to poker for a second. 3 years ago I played a $33 online Poker Stars.com tournament--I ended up winning it which got me into a $370 tournament that had over 8000 people enter. The top 200 people would win $12,000 for entry into the main event ($10,000) and the extra $2k for expenses. To put this in perspective, the main event only has about 6500 people every year. So to make a long story short, I made it to the top 200 and won the package. I turned 30 bucks into $12,000! I played for 12 hours at my damn computer, while thousands of others were eliminated, waiting for the agonizing bubble to burst and for me to survive as one of the shorter stacks. I can still remember vividly screaming in excitement and running up the stairs to my ex and her cousin who had just walked into the house.

Because of a law for online poker that had just been passed the year before, they couldn't enter people directly into the main event like I thought was going to happen. Instead, they gave me the lump sum and it was up to me to enter myself in the tourney or just keep the money. After a long debate I finally decided to just keep the money. I went out to Vegas with a cashiers check written for $10,000 to watch my dad play the Senior Event and to make a decision on the tournament, but I couldn't bring myself to drop that much cash, knowing that 90% of the people that enter a tournament LOSE. There were extra perks if you played, like Poker Stars throwing in another $1000 if you wore their shirt and hat. There was also a big party I was invited to that Poker Stars was hosting, and other big perks if you ended up on TV or lasted long into the tournament. Now that online poker has been shut down here in the US, I kind of wish I would have just gone through with it. Who knows what would have transpired, but I can't complain that I didn't blow $10k!

A lot of people know that story, but most people don't know that 2-3 weeks later, I took a crack at the Sunday Main Event on Poker Stars, a $200 online tournament which regularly had 7500-8000 people--including all the Poker Stars pros you see on TV. I outlasted most of the field and was 4th in chips with only 70 people to go! There were a lot of people in the chat rooms watching my table commenting on every hand. It was exciting. The tournament chip leader was at my table. He had a massive chip stack, so he should have been the only person I didn't want to get into pots with since he was the only one who could eliminate me from the tournament. Whoops... I flopped top two pair against him, defending a raise in the big blind (sorry if this poker jargon gets lost on some of you). I check raised him, but not too much for him to call my raise. The next card gave him a straight--he called my raise only being able to hit one card for a straight and he got it. He had a 1 in 13 chance to catch his card and he did. I put him on a lower two pair hand and went all in, and he called and knocked me out of the tournament. With his now massive chip stack, he ended up winning the tournament and the $175,000 first place prize. If I win the pot, I'm in first place and then who knows... But surprisingly, I wasn't that upset at the time, because I felt like I would get another chance to win it. It seemed like easy money. Plus i loved the competition and analytical aspects of the game, so I immersed myself in poker books and started playing more and more online. I played that tourney a handful of more times, but never made it close like that again.

Over time, I slowly realized that I wasn't as good as I thought and I still had a lot to learn. Eventually i started playing less and less online and then had completely stopped, focusing on other interests. Not that I still don't like to play poker, but there was more to life than chasing that dream. I was like the man in the song, focused on the game so much that I was losing in other ways. I shouldn't curse my luck for that card, because everyone gets dealt their share of good cards and bad cards in life. But what is the logic behind it? Maybe it was a good thing that I didn't win that hand, to learn a little humility and to not stray too far from the right path. I can realize that now, but it took a lot of time for me to see that silver lining. I'm anxious to see how the cards continue to reveal themselves.

The Book of Kyle

Well, its been about a week since the last post, thanks for all the positive feedback on facebook! I didn't plan on publishing that originally, I just wrote it as a diary entry for myself. Thanks for reading it.

I wanted to keep the blog updated, and from time to time I'll post some of my older writings. This was an assignment that I had to do for my humanities class in college, 11 years ago (wow I'm getting old!) We had to write, in the style of the Bible, a message to a good friend who we were trying to comfort. Someone like Job in the Old Testament, who was a good man, devoted to God who did no wrong, but was going through an unspeakable tragedy. Basically this required a lot of symbolism, particularly of things in nature, and writing in the couplet writing scheme.

As a kid I went to a Presbyterian church, but I am not religious, i believe in the scientific, logical explanations for pretty much everything. Who knows if there is some sort of force or other being out there that we can not yet understand, or if over time we will be able to answer everything scientifically. But I think it is important to at least study the Bible even if you don't believe everything in it, just as it is important for a Christian to try to understand the scientific explanations or even other theologies... to try to be aware of others viewpoints and then draw their own conclusions. It seems like today most of us have modified religion to fit our lifestyles. I think what most people get out of it now is the sense of a higher purpose. (I don't think there are many people who believe in stoning someone for working on a Sunday anymore--look it up, its in there!) A feeling that everything happens for a reason, and a feeling of community and comfort. I can understand that. If there is so much suffering in the world and no explanation, well that just isn't a good thought is it? Anyway, we studied a few books of the Bible in this class and had some very good discussions. My favorite word choice was "ungodly" line in #4....

1 My words cannot begin to ease your suffering;
Just know that I am sorry.
2 I have no answers to your questions;
This tragedy is beyond explanation.
3 Know that none of this is your fault;
You could do nothing to prevent this.
4 Your pure skin has been pierced by a poisoned sword;
This blade has caused ungodly, indomitable pain.
5 You do not deserve any of this suffering;
No man should be forced to endure this.
6 You are a good man and you are suffering;
What once was light is now dark.
7 Throughout time, many things have remained inexplicable;
The good man has suffered while the evil man has prospered.
8 Our understanding of such things is barren;
Like the vast deserts of the world.
9 Know this--the sun will shine again;
Illuminating the valley of darkness.
10 The tree may have been cut down;
But its roots will continue to grow.
11 Persevering through this time;
Will make you stronger in the end.
12 Swords will cease to pierce you;
Instead, they will glance harmlessly off.
13 I know not if there is a God;
How could he allow such a thing to happen?
14 You are the most loving and ethical person I know;
A large shadow has been cast over God’s clear skies.
15 If someone had to endure this, why not the evil man?
The man whose crime went unpunished?
16 If there is a God responsible for this tragedy,
Why didn’t the man who cursed thee suffer?
17 Do not be afraid to question your beliefs;
For they did not prevent this tragedy.
18 If you believe in a God, demand an answer from him;
Demand your day in court to be heard.
19 You deserve to be answered in full;
Your kindness, love, and honesty were not rewarded.
20 If there is anything you need my friend;
I will be there for you, always.

KDA 2000

Am I really blogging? Lol

Another blog.. who cares right? I may be writing to myself, but that's ok :)

The past year i haven't written as much as i would have liked. Too many things going on in my head for me to put pen to paper to make sense of it all. I've always liked to write, its been a good outlet for my creativity and thoughts that i sometimes have a hard time expressing. I have started writing what I hope to turn into an actual story... I wish i had more time for it! In the meantime, i'll post random thoughts, short stories, musings, etc.