Text Me Maybe

People - they don't write anymore; they blog. Instead of talking, they text - no punctuation, no grammar - "lol" this and "lmao" that. You know, it just seems to me that it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people in a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.   – Hank Moody, Californication

This line cracked me up and stuck with me after I had watched the episode.  Coming from a house with an English teacher for a mother, proper writing and grammar was emphasized… overly emphasized I might say.  As I kid, I was always creative with my written stories, but my mom was always there to edit and correct my grammar and punctuation before I turned it in.  She was quick to point out I was much more creative than her, but that I needed her editing touch!   She isn’t diagnosed, but even to this day I tell her she has borderline OCD (only half-jokingly).   Jump ahead 20 years –now I text her with sprinklings of annoying text speak with no capital letters or punctuation, except for a colon and parenthesis side-by-side to let her know I am happy.  This is not unlike how the rest of our cell-phone society interacts with each other.  However, I do try my best to use proper sentences, even though they may take a few more seconds of my day to construct.  (I do find myself getting lazier and lazier with my texts unfortunately).

The other obvious ironic part of his quote is that I am publishing it on my blog.  Well, as Walt Whitman said in one of my all-time favorite quotes (from “Song of Myself” in Leaves of Grass):

“Do I contradict myself? 

Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

Personal Interactions: 

How we used to ask for dates:  Phone Call.   It would take courage to call the home phone (on a land line, remember those?) of a girl’s house that you just got her number from.  What would you say?  Would you have to leave a message?   How long did you have to wait before calling her?  You can't call too soon and seem desperate, but you can't wait too long either.  Do you remember the scene in Swingers with Jon Favreau when he called the girl later that same night and kept leaving her messages?  So painful…

Yeah, that movie was a while ago, but its a classic.  Come on, "Vegas baby, Vegas" came from it!   

How we ask for dates today:  Text Message.  Simplicity.    

Guy: Wuzup?  WRUD  2nite? 

Girl: NM y? 

Guy: up 4 dinner/drks?

Girl: OK!  J

Guy:  Cool, c u l8r

There would probably be lots of emoticons sprinkled in as well. Maybe even a couple facebook and instagram likes to let her know he’s really interested (with hashtags)

Text speak.  Convenience.   Or de-evolution Hank Moody would say….  Depends on your perspective I suppose.    

I wrote this a few months ago but forgot to post it.  As I reread this now, I realized I am getting lazier and lazier with my text messaging without even being aware of it.  Here's to trying to make my mom happy by spelling everything out and using proper grammar, as well as taking the time to review them and not letting that damn autocorrect  mess up my texts!  Or better yet, I think I'll just call home instead!    

Rush Hour

He sat in the now non-moving car in the rush-hour traffic looking at his watch knowing he would be late to work.  The woman in the car to the left of him was yelling at the person ahead of her, apparently thinking she would be heard through the panes of glass and over the radios and engines.  A baby was in her back seat wailing, but the woman didn’t seem to notice.  He looked around him at the never-ending rows of cars and angry people and thought aloud that the people resembled lemmings packed into shiny metal boxes.  A slight grin came to his face at this comment. 

Every day he made his way to work through the busy commute but he never complained.  Waking up at 4:30 AM for the ninety minute commute didn’t seem like a lot to complain about, especially since his company loved him and promoted him every chance they could get.  He loved his job, he would do it for free if he had to, but the six-figure salary they gave him was fine with him.  He donated much of his salary to charities, including his church and to local universities.  He was a good father and husband, as his family would attest.  He was not perfect by any means, but he tried hard to be as good as he could possibly be.  He turned up the radio in his car to drown out the constant sound of blaring horns on the highway.  He smiled as he thought how his boss would jokingly hassle him about being late.  He hoped the traffic wouldn’t be as bad on the way home from work so he could see his daughter in the school play.  He thought of how she was so adorable when she begged him to come before he had left for work.  Daydreaming about his daughter, he glanced to his left and saw the same woman as before turned around in her seat yelling at the baby in the back seat.  She was grabbing the baby by the arm and shaking him.  He couldn’t believe that people like that were parents. 

The traffic began to merge, and being the selfless person that he was, he let some cars enter ahead of him.  This angered the woman, who was now behind him, so much that she accelerated and whipped her car onto the shoulder of the road, trying to cut him off to get ahead of him.  As she pulled in front of him, she clipped the front of his car.  The back end of her car swung violently from the impact, tipped up on its two left wheels, and then flipped onto its side.  It slid for a hundred feet before flipping again and throwing the woman, who hadn’t been wearing a seat belt, through the windshield before rolling virtually unscathed onto the grass to the right of the highway.   He slammed on his brakes to avoid hitting the flipped car.  Panicking, he looked around but didn’t see the baby.  He ran out of his car and heard the screams of the baby coming from the overturned car.  Gas was leaking from the car, and the engine had caught fire, but he feared only for the baby.  He got to the car and saw that the baby was trapped under the back seat, seemingly untouched, wrapped in its white baby blanket.  He climbed through the broken windshield, stretching his arms to reach the crying baby under the seat, when he felt the baby’s arm reach out to him. He wrapped his hand around the baby’s body, and gently pulled him out from under the seat.  He felt a sense of relief as he freed the child, and when he looked into the baby’s teary pure blue eyes, he broke down and wept. 

The overwhelming sense of elation was replaced instantaneously with a sense of horror as the fire grew around him. The crowd of on-lookers who stood hundreds of feet back pleaded with him to get out of the car, but his shirt caught on a piece of twisted metal while trying to escape through the broken window.  Looking around for help, he saw the woman responsible for this tragedy through the scorching flames, and was stunned when he saw her piercing red gaze of pure hatred.  He couldn’t hear her words, but he felt her angry screams pierce his soul.  Feeling defeated, he tried to hand the baby to someone to take to safety, but no one would come near him.  The on-lookers remained frozen in place far back from the wreckage, unable to turn away but unwilling to help.  Screaming for someone to save the baby, the fire reached the gasoline tank.  His pleas were silenced as he and the baby died in a horrific, fiery explosion.  Within an hour, the debris and bodies had been removed, and the lemmings continued on in their shiny metal boxes.    

K. Abbey  2000, 2012

This was a short story I wrote way back in college back in Colorado, but I can relate to it more now since I have been living in Southern California for a while  (lots of traffic and asshole drivers!)    I did fix/update a few of the lines recently but kept most of it the same.  It is similar to the 9/11 story that I wrote in that it is written in the 3rd person.  Unlike that story, this ending is a little more depressing.  I was trying to use some color symbolism in this, and I also quoted some Police lyrics in this.. big surprise.    In the story we have good, evil, innocent, and the apathetic.  Unfortunately, good and innocent do not triumph in the end.  I also remember trying to have the contrast of the "evil" woman grabbing the baby by the arm and shaking it and the "good" main character grabbing the arm while trying to save the baby's life.  I was inspired originally to write this by seeing car accidents and people's natural reaction to stop and look.  Maybe it's just human nature.  What do we want to see?   Will we really help when we are put in that situation?   Or just remain apathetic, staying far back "unable to turn away but unwilling to help"?

Protein, Protein, Protein!

Wow,  it's been a while!  There have been a lot of things that have happened in the past few months--new city, new job, so things have been pretty busy. 

I wrote a pretty personal blog around the turn of the new year, but I didn't feel comfortable sharing it to a wide audience.  It was good to let out my thoughts, reflect on the past couple of New Year's, but I just wasn't sure it was best to publish to everyone on fb. 

I don't have any new poems or stories to share, so I thought about writing about something a little less personal, but something else that has been part of my life the past couple of years.  In 2010, when the 5 year relationship I had been in was ultimately ending, I took a long look in the mirror and tried to learn from my mistakes.   Maybe I didn't like the reflection I was seeing (I know I didn't).  I needed to channel my aggression and emotion to a positive outlet and not just sit around and feel sorry for myself.

I had gotten pretty skinny around that time, for me anyway, weighing less than when I graduated high school.  Granted, I was a bit chubbier in high school and college.   I was never the most athletic person when I was younger--when I was really young, maybe preschool or so, the doctor told my mom to have me hang on monkey bars to develop more strength because my arms were so skinny and long (thanks mom for the small wrists! oh well...)  And two summers in a row around middle school age I had significant injuries right at the beginning of the summer.   The first year I broke my collarbone and sprained my wrist tumbling over my bike handrails, and the next year I broke my arm badly in a 4 wheeler accident.  I was not able to get out and do much those summers, and that is the time I gained the most weight.  In high school, I never chose to go to the "Iron Works" gym class like most of the guys signed up for.  I felt like I would embarrass myself trying to lift weights with all the jocks.  I would instead sign up for the "Team Games" PE class which was mostly girls and un-athletic guys.  Maybe that would have been a good strategy after all, if I had any game whatsoever!    But seriously, I had no upper body strength and had no idea what it meant to eat well.   I remember going to a convenience store next to the high school for lunch on many occasions to buy a lunch of Chili Cheese Freetos, a Jolly rancher stick, and a Big Slam Mountain Dew.  On other days it was Taco Bell, Wendy's, Chinese food, pizza, some sort of junk food.   Even in college, it was the same thing... lots of beer and junk food.  And homework!  So it's no wonder I did get a bit flabby.

Here is a very flattering picture from my college years  :)  Actually it was the Mardi Gras after graduation, in 2001.  If you couldn't tell, Joe and I had a few cocktails.

I started to get into working out about a year later after starting my full time job, but I didn't eat enough.  I eventually did get more lean but hadn't really researched how to get stronger, workout regimens, and what or how much to eat.  I would routinely go long periods without eating much, and with my racquetball leagues, in which competitive games could burn over 1000 calories an hour, I was never eating enough protein to sustain muscle growth.  Deep down I think was still worried about getting "fat" again.  I had assumed when I was younger that's who I would always be... that I couldn't change.

Over the years I lost motivation and wasn't seeing results that I did when I had first started working out.  I began to realize that I may have been too concerned about gaining any weight back.  I saw the pictures of myself that I posted below and realized for probably the first time ever that I was now too skinny.  I wanted to bulk up and try to get bigger.  So in Dec 2009/Jan 2010 I bought a bunch of whey protein powder from GNC and pre-workout supplements.  I started going to the gym more often, upping the weight training from 2 days a week to 4-5 days a week.  I was more motivated in the gym, and every song I listened to I felt I could relate to, which just made me push harder.  Every morning for breakfast I would have a protein shake in addition to yogurt/granola, or eggs and toast if I had enough time.  Previously, I would typically just eat a bowl of cereal (no protein), and not have any supplements whatsoever after my workouts.  With this new "program", I would usually have some sort of protein drink or workout drink before I worked out, and always a protein shake after I worked out.  Sometimes I would even drink a casein protein shake before bed for protein absorption throughout the night.

For a week last year I counted all of my meals on the My Fitness Pal calorie counter app on the I phone, just to see the stats of what I was eating.  I was averaging over 200 grams of protein per day (up to a max of 250 grams), and around 3000 calories.  I estimated that I was eating over 80 grams more protein per day than I had been before adding the protein supplements.   My metabolism had increased to the point where I was getting hungry every couple of hours, so I always had snacks of nuts or Cliff bars to help sustain me through the work day, keeping to the philosophy of eating multiple small meals throughout the day.  I kept my diet pretty much the same otherwise, I try to eat healthy when I can but wasn't too strict about it.  The big change was the increased frequency of my meals.. and of course the added protein.  The first year I put on about 7 lbs, most of it in the first few months.  This was a lot for me, as my weight never really changed in the 5 previous years.  As I gained weight some people told me I looked skinnier, which kind of threw me off (and made me question what i was doing!), but I figured that my shoulders and chest were getting bigger so that made my waist look smaller.  The next year, 2011, the weight went on slower, but once I developed tendinitis from racquetball (and most likely the increased weightlifting), the cardio I was doing dropped as I had to take a break from racquetball. I focused more on my lower body workouts due to my elbow issues, doing more free weight exercises than I had done before.  Thus I was able to put on about 6 more lbs, while still staying pretty lean.   I was even trying new things like hot yoga with a group from work to help keep me flexible for playing racquetball and to just mix up my workouts and help keep me motivated.


With those changes I was striving to make on the inside came the changes on the outside.  Maybe it helped to see myself differently physically, see myself as a different person.  While difficult, the physical changes were still much easier to make.....


It does feel good to be stronger and healthier than I've ever been at 33 years old, and to get compliments from friends or acquaintances that they can notice a difference.  It goes to show that nutrition is just as important if not more important than the actual workout. I'll still have the skinny arms but at least there's a little more there now  :) 

Nov 2011 - 177 lbs

Oct 2009  - 164 lbs

This blog wasn't meant to be self-centered or me wanting attention, I just wanted to share some of the reasons behind my motivation, as it became an important part of my life.  When I started, I did it for much different reasons than I do now... I was asked by someone in the gym last week about what my goal was.  His name is Leslie and he recently moved from Africa--he has put on 25 lbs in 8 months!!  His weight has increased from 125 to 150 lbs, by doing a similar protein strategy with zero cardio, and he is pretty ripped (see my story isn't so special now! But 125 lbs??)  His question made me stop and think, why was I continuing to take the protein, lift the weights... Do I want to gain more weight? Get in better shape?  Its really kind of silly on the surface when you think about it... But its more about change... setting your mind to a goal and accomplishing it.   Turning a negative into a positive.  Self-confidence.  I guess it's just a way of life now.  What is clear is that I am now doing it for me.   

Poker, Philosophy, Music, and Life

Anyone who's seen Leon--The Professional (great movie!) probably remembers the scene at the end of the movie with Matilda (Natalie Portman) at Leon's grave with the camera panning skyward while this song is playing... I've been reminded of it because of all the poker that is being shown on TV right now with the World Series of Poker, and just because I am a Sting/Police fan. I can even kind of play it on guitar (hey, I'm a bass player!) Here is the link to an acoustic version of the song and the lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=037uSAIahho&feature=related

Shape of My Heart
He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn't play for the money he wins
He doesn't play for respect
He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
He may play the jack of diamonds
He may lay the queen of spades
He may conceal a king in his hand
While the memory of it fades
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape, the shape of my heart
And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldierI know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape, that's not the shape of my heart

The song is a brilliant metaphor, paired with a great guitar melody. I can relate--on the surface as someone who likes to play cards, but beyond that as someone who is introspective and hard to read who doesn't express their emotions easily. The man wants to let down his mask, and reveal himself, but is afraid to. How sad is it to tell someone that you love them and they would first think that something is wrong? Also, he condemns "those that curse their luck in too many places, and those who fear are lost". He is trying to make sense of life through the geometry of chance of a card game. Is it luck, or is there some law that governs how the cards are dealt? How life unfolds... Does the gambler in the song ever find the answer? You can tell from the video of Sting singing that he can really relate to his lyrics. Most songs on the radio today are all about the hook that they want to get stuck in your head. Yeah its catchy, but its like reality TV, most is just filler. Here today gone tomorrow. Sometimes you have to spend the time to study music, lyrics, or any other piece of art, to really appreciate it. Good music will pass the test of time.

Anyway, back to poker for a second. 3 years ago I played a $33 online Poker Stars.com tournament--I ended up winning it which got me into a $370 tournament that had over 8000 people enter. The top 200 people would win $12,000 for entry into the main event ($10,000) and the extra $2k for expenses. To put this in perspective, the main event only has about 6500 people every year. So to make a long story short, I made it to the top 200 and won the package. I turned 30 bucks into $12,000! I played for 12 hours at my damn computer, while thousands of others were eliminated, waiting for the agonizing bubble to burst and for me to survive as one of the shorter stacks. I can still remember vividly screaming in excitement and running up the stairs to my ex and her cousin who had just walked into the house.

Because of a law for online poker that had just been passed the year before, they couldn't enter people directly into the main event like I thought was going to happen. Instead, they gave me the lump sum and it was up to me to enter myself in the tourney or just keep the money. After a long debate I finally decided to just keep the money. I went out to Vegas with a cashiers check written for $10,000 to watch my dad play the Senior Event and to make a decision on the tournament, but I couldn't bring myself to drop that much cash, knowing that 90% of the people that enter a tournament LOSE. There were extra perks if you played, like Poker Stars throwing in another $1000 if you wore their shirt and hat. There was also a big party I was invited to that Poker Stars was hosting, and other big perks if you ended up on TV or lasted long into the tournament. Now that online poker has been shut down here in the US, I kind of wish I would have just gone through with it. Who knows what would have transpired, but I can't complain that I didn't blow $10k!

A lot of people know that story, but most people don't know that 2-3 weeks later, I took a crack at the Sunday Main Event on Poker Stars, a $200 online tournament which regularly had 7500-8000 people--including all the Poker Stars pros you see on TV. I outlasted most of the field and was 4th in chips with only 70 people to go! There were a lot of people in the chat rooms watching my table commenting on every hand. It was exciting. The tournament chip leader was at my table. He had a massive chip stack, so he should have been the only person I didn't want to get into pots with since he was the only one who could eliminate me from the tournament. Whoops... I flopped top two pair against him, defending a raise in the big blind (sorry if this poker jargon gets lost on some of you). I check raised him, but not too much for him to call my raise. The next card gave him a straight--he called my raise only being able to hit one card for a straight and he got it. He had a 1 in 13 chance to catch his card and he did. I put him on a lower two pair hand and went all in, and he called and knocked me out of the tournament. With his now massive chip stack, he ended up winning the tournament and the $175,000 first place prize. If I win the pot, I'm in first place and then who knows... But surprisingly, I wasn't that upset at the time, because I felt like I would get another chance to win it. It seemed like easy money. Plus i loved the competition and analytical aspects of the game, so I immersed myself in poker books and started playing more and more online. I played that tourney a handful of more times, but never made it close like that again.

Over time, I slowly realized that I wasn't as good as I thought and I still had a lot to learn. Eventually i started playing less and less online and then had completely stopped, focusing on other interests. Not that I still don't like to play poker, but there was more to life than chasing that dream. I was like the man in the song, focused on the game so much that I was losing in other ways. I shouldn't curse my luck for that card, because everyone gets dealt their share of good cards and bad cards in life. But what is the logic behind it? Maybe it was a good thing that I didn't win that hand, to learn a little humility and to not stray too far from the right path. I can realize that now, but it took a lot of time for me to see that silver lining. I'm anxious to see how the cards continue to reveal themselves.

The Book of Kyle

Well, its been about a week since the last post, thanks for all the positive feedback on facebook! I didn't plan on publishing that originally, I just wrote it as a diary entry for myself. Thanks for reading it.

I wanted to keep the blog updated, and from time to time I'll post some of my older writings. This was an assignment that I had to do for my humanities class in college, 11 years ago (wow I'm getting old!) We had to write, in the style of the Bible, a message to a good friend who we were trying to comfort. Someone like Job in the Old Testament, who was a good man, devoted to God who did no wrong, but was going through an unspeakable tragedy. Basically this required a lot of symbolism, particularly of things in nature, and writing in the couplet writing scheme.

As a kid I went to a Presbyterian church, but I am not religious, i believe in the scientific, logical explanations for pretty much everything. Who knows if there is some sort of force or other being out there that we can not yet understand, or if over time we will be able to answer everything scientifically. But I think it is important to at least study the Bible even if you don't believe everything in it, just as it is important for a Christian to try to understand the scientific explanations or even other theologies... to try to be aware of others viewpoints and then draw their own conclusions. It seems like today most of us have modified religion to fit our lifestyles. I think what most people get out of it now is the sense of a higher purpose. (I don't think there are many people who believe in stoning someone for working on a Sunday anymore--look it up, its in there!) A feeling that everything happens for a reason, and a feeling of community and comfort. I can understand that. If there is so much suffering in the world and no explanation, well that just isn't a good thought is it? Anyway, we studied a few books of the Bible in this class and had some very good discussions. My favorite word choice was "ungodly" line in #4....

1 My words cannot begin to ease your suffering;
Just know that I am sorry.
2 I have no answers to your questions;
This tragedy is beyond explanation.
3 Know that none of this is your fault;
You could do nothing to prevent this.
4 Your pure skin has been pierced by a poisoned sword;
This blade has caused ungodly, indomitable pain.
5 You do not deserve any of this suffering;
No man should be forced to endure this.
6 You are a good man and you are suffering;
What once was light is now dark.
7 Throughout time, many things have remained inexplicable;
The good man has suffered while the evil man has prospered.
8 Our understanding of such things is barren;
Like the vast deserts of the world.
9 Know this--the sun will shine again;
Illuminating the valley of darkness.
10 The tree may have been cut down;
But its roots will continue to grow.
11 Persevering through this time;
Will make you stronger in the end.
12 Swords will cease to pierce you;
Instead, they will glance harmlessly off.
13 I know not if there is a God;
How could he allow such a thing to happen?
14 You are the most loving and ethical person I know;
A large shadow has been cast over God’s clear skies.
15 If someone had to endure this, why not the evil man?
The man whose crime went unpunished?
16 If there is a God responsible for this tragedy,
Why didn’t the man who cursed thee suffer?
17 Do not be afraid to question your beliefs;
For they did not prevent this tragedy.
18 If you believe in a God, demand an answer from him;
Demand your day in court to be heard.
19 You deserve to be answered in full;
Your kindness, love, and honesty were not rewarded.
20 If there is anything you need my friend;
I will be there for you, always.

KDA 2000

Am I really blogging? Lol

Another blog.. who cares right? I may be writing to myself, but that's ok :)

The past year i haven't written as much as i would have liked. Too many things going on in my head for me to put pen to paper to make sense of it all. I've always liked to write, its been a good outlet for my creativity and thoughts that i sometimes have a hard time expressing. I have started writing what I hope to turn into an actual story... I wish i had more time for it! In the meantime, i'll post random thoughts, short stories, musings, etc.